Discussion: Coping with a gay child

October 11, 2009

“Mom, I’m gay.”   Three simple words that changed my life forever.  Do you have a child living the gay lifestyle?   How are you coping?  Whether this is a new discovery or you have been walking this path for a long time, please share your story.





    Our daughter “declared” herself about 2 1/2 years ago. We were devastated; we resigned ourselves to “The Long Wait” for her to see that this was not what God had designed for her.

    PTL – about one year later we received the phone call we anticipated might never come! She came under heavy conviction from the Lord – restoration!

    So…don’t give up! Hang in there! Pray! Trust God to do His work!

    • Phil,

      Praise God for your daughter’s restoration! Thank your for your encouraging words to all of us parents who are still experiencing “The Long Wait” you mentioned.

      Can you share anything about how you interacted with your daughter during her time in the lifestyle?



      • Thank you Phil for the hope.

  2. My loved one told me in high school that she was gay. Living in a very small community it was not only a shocker but also no one really knew anything about this lifestyle. I was extremely deperessed and wondered where I had failed. A counselor told me God is a perfect Father and his children were in the wilderness for 40 years. He said you are not perfect and she has choices. So I worked on me. She is now 27, very successful job, still in the lifestyle, but I have learned to unconditionally love her, not her lifestyle. We have a very wonderful relationship and she knows exactly where I stand in belief about gay lifestyle. I believe what the word says about it. I love her and God taught me about loving her not her lifestyle and today she will call me about anything. I pray for her and I love her so much. It was a long and difficult road for me because I blamed myself. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I know God has His hand on her and I can do nothing to change another individual but me. God bless Nancy

    • Nancy,

      Thank you for sharing your story of unconditional love for your daughter. We are on similar paths as I, too, have a daughter in the lifestyle and I blamed myself for a long time. It wasn’t until after some Christian counseling that I came to realize God wanted me to trust my daughter to Him. My job was to love her as He loves me – unconditionally and in spite of the sin. Loving unconditionally doesn’t mean approving of the lifestyle.

      May God continue to bless your relationship with your daughter as you trust in Him.



  3. I have two children, a 23 y.o daughter and 18 year old son, both you have come to me with their choices of living a homosexual lifestyle. It is still new to me. My daughter, has lived this way now for 5 years that I know of. I cry all the time. And now my son…..I have like most mother’s feel like what did I do wrong. I am continually asking GOD, why was I given this cross….I remember crying saying GOD please let me come home with you before I live my life watching this. I couldn’t bare it…..My daughter just wrote me a letter telling me telling me that she feels that I don’t love her because she is GAY…..MY HEART HURTS LIKE HELL….I AM TRYING TO TRUST GOD, I AM LEARNING TO JUST IGNORE ALOT!!!! But I am AFRAID FOR MY SON!!!!!!! I don’t konw what to do!!!!!!!

    • Michelle. Hang in there! Our son has been living this lifestyle for 2 long years, he often tells me I don’t love him and don’t understand but he comes to me when he is lonely, sad or in trouble. I know he knows his choice is wrong, against the standard of God but he is looking to fill a void in his life, the void of Jesus. I understand your hurt, I feel it constantly! I also know that God is in control, I pray daily for my son that the veil of darkness will be removed, the lies that he believes will be broken and that he can see satan is behind this lie. I have come to accept that I did nothing wrong, that kids make choices that often lead them down the wrong road. Continue to love your kids, they are a gift from God but stand firm in your boundaries, draw strength from God.

  4. Michelle,

    Thank you for your post. My heart goes out to you as I understand your pain. As mothers, we often feel responsible for the choices of our children. Do not blame yourself – blame is a tactic the enemy uses to keep us from God. Trust in the Lord for He is the only one who can change the hearts of your children.

    Prayer is essential. Pray for God to help you see your daughter and son as He sees them. Ask God to help you love your children as He does – unconditionally. Pray that God will increase your faith and give you patience as you wait for His perfect timing.

    You are not alone in this journey. I pray that Parents Reaching Parents will be an source of hope and comfort for you.

    We will be praying for you and your family.



  5. My son has been living a gay lifstyle for 2 long years. He was raised in a christian home but now denounces the Bible as the inspired word of God. He has been suicidal several times throughout this process, has had surgery secondary to an STD. He just moved back out of our home after a year because he did not like our “rules”, had gotten a job where he can afford to live with his “friend”. My heart breaks daily for my son, prayer is my relief. I worry about his future, will he contract AIDS, will he get his heart broken again, will he ever find the Lord, will he ever find true happiness? My dreams for this baby of mine was crushed 2 years ago but I hold tight to the promises of God. My son knows the truth, he was taught as a child and it remains in his heart. One day the veil of darkness will be removed and he will have to make a decision, until then I pray protection over him and love him all the more. Prayer for our children is vital but prayer for each other is just as vital, this lifestyle rocks the world of many. As I struggled in the beginning of this journey the Lord showed me something I hold tightly to. The battle is not against homosexuality but against unbelief, homosexuality is the manifestion of the sin of unbelief. The prayer needed is for salvation, in turn the Lord will deal with the outward sin. Blessings to each one dealing with this.

    • I must correct this entry. It has been 4 long years, not 2.

  6. Hello Parents, I have read each and every one of your comments. Thank you for using this blog to support one another. I hope this blog will encourage you and open up Godly friendships that will support you on one of the toughest issues facing America today.

    Love you all

    Janet Boynes

  7. Our daughter emailed me in March of 2007 that she was a lesbian and involved in a same sex relationship. My Mom had just passed away the week before and I was mourning her death. My husband and I were devastated. Our daughter was brought up in church and as a Christian. My husband, our daughter and I had a very close relationship while she was growing up. She wanted us to be happy about her decision. We told her we needed time. After a month or so, she became angry with us because we didn’t support her new relationship. She quit answering our calls. We didn’t talk to her for about 6 months. Then one night she did answer her phone and we started talking once a week. It was great to hear her voice and keep in touch. After about 9 months, she stopped by the house to visit a few hours. We did not live in the same town. We talked and cried and it was wonderful to see her. After the visit, she would not talk to us again. Then she moved out of state. At the end of the year she called to tell us she hated us and never wanted to see us again and she emotionally could not handle us. She was moving and we would never know where she moved to. We haven’t heard from her since. We love her. We would love to see her and sit down and visit with her and hug her but she’s cutoff all communication. My husband and I have become closer. We have become closer to God. We pray for our daughter daily. We are holding on to faith, hope and love.

  8. Judy, my heart goes out to you and your husband. Tonight I took a tough stand with our son, told him not to stop by the house tomorrow if his friend was with him, that my heart couldn’t take it. He had just informed me via text that he is getting “married” in 7 months and expects us to be happy for him. He asked about bringing his friend for the holidays too. When I told him I loved him more than he’ll ever know he dismissed it. I fear I will lose contact with him as you have but also know I am following the Lord’s direction. As a mother I am mourning but as a Christian I am following God’s law. What a conflict satan puts us in. But, He that is within me is greater than that! Now I just have to convince my heart of this fact. I pray for you and your daughter.

  9. Jeaneen
    I know how you feel. Our daughter had told us, before she stopped all communication, she & her partner were married also although it isn’t legal in our state but they went through the ceremony.
    It made me ill just thinking about it.
    I pray for you & your son. I would love for our daughter to call us during the holidays. She hasn’t contacted us for our birthdays this year & didn’t contact us during the holidays last year. As Janet said, God is planting seeds. I pray our daughter thinks about us & loves us & misses us. I would love to see her & give her a big hug & kiss. We’ll continue to pray for our kids & God’s work.

  10. Thank God for His goodness in providing this blog and for Janet living in God’s love and glory. Thank God for His love towards all of us and our kids. Thank God we’re talking and sharing in Him instead of sitting alone suffering in confusion or taking out our frustration in hurtful ways. My journey has been relatively short but,at times,feels like a lifetime.
    Thankyou,Phil for posting your child’s return.The message of hope and trust is so important. God’s grace can give us hope when we lose it and bring the whole issue of trust to a whole new level as we learn about God’s great love for our children and ourselves. There is not one sin that He hasn’t seen but His response was love for all of us by giving us His Son who died for our sins – because God knew we could not live without sin.
    As a result of that great miracle of love, through Christ and the Holy Spirit, We can rest in His love as He does His work in us and through us.
    Once the Lord led me to refocus on Him and not on this”Whopper” of a lie that my daughter is living-I came to realize that His Love for us and our kids and our trust in Him is the answer to obtaining the “rest”.This did not happen over night. The pain that I felt drove me to to Him and this truth.
    In this state of brokeness,I realized that nothing I had done or nothing that I could do was changing anything. It was then I realized that I was ready to truly surrender this child of my heart,who I love so much, truly to my God who loves all of us beyong the scope of human love.
    It was then at that moment that I could feel the Grace of God move in with His rest and this enormous sense of love.
    Loving is so important. Regardless of others behavior. Walking the walk.It is a gift.It is Christ within us that that makes it possible.Grace!
    I keep watching down that road for my daughter to return from the pig pen of lies, with the same hope of the joy of the father of the prodigal, on her return.I will do that to the day I die.
    I know I have much to learn. I trust that I learn it. Thankyou, all of you, for sharing. This is quite the journey.
    In 6 months my daughter has brought up the subject of marriage to her partner, children with her partner(I don’t know how that works and I don’t think I want to know) and she’s tried bullying me to affirm the relationship by meeting her partner(which I haven’t). God’s grace has kept me from shreaking and all the other things we might do when pushed to the line.That, in itself,is a miracle.
    She is a child of God,who has lost her way. I trust the “Good Shepherd” to bring her back to His flock.
    Prior to this blog,through Janet’s ministry and the grace within her,I have made amazing Christian women who were the very presence of Christ. Thankyou Janet and Ruth-I love you. Now I can thank Him for more friends to share with on this journey.
    We have all shown the love of God by reaching out in Him. He is among us…………..Patti

    • Patti my dear friend ~ I love you too and am forever grateful for the Lord’s perfect timing in bringing us together for this time in our lives. Our girls don’t have a chance ~ at the most unexpected moments there is the whisper of the Lord – “Come unto me.” They will come.

  11. Let’s all pray that I learn how to say my peace in less than 7 paragraphs. LOL

  12. Patti
    Hopefully you are able to visit with your daughter regularly. Our daughter has cutoff all communication with us. I would love to hear her voice. I love to tell her how much I love her.
    She said prior to this that she & her partner were
    married although it isn’t legal in our state but they went through the ceremony. She grew up in a Christian home and we never thought we would be faced with this issue. She’s been in this lifestyle for probably around 4 years. She told us about 3 years ago. God is planting seeds. I need to be still & be patient but it is extremely hard. I’m very thankful for Janet, my close friends who have been such supporters and this blog to share our stories, our feelings, God’s love & scripture.
    2 Corinthians 1:4
    God comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
    I pray for you, your daughter & your family

  13. Thanks Judy. Our daughter is still in touch. We talk weekly, but I always have the feeling she may bolt. She knows that, because she saw the pain when our youngest son bolted into addictions and ceased contact.
    For everyone, I’ll tell his story and ours. It is one of hope and miracle.
    Jon was our wild child-the kid always in the middle of everything going on. He went to school in a small town school and drugs hit that small town like a bomb. It altered many lives. Many parents just chalked it up to “boys will be boys”…NOT! I grew up in an AA home and we did alot of talking. I knew the addiction when I saw it coming through the door. The long and the short of it is….He bolted.
    He ceased communication which broke my heart and filled me with fear. I couldn’t anticipate behavior as the son I knew was far removed emotionally, so my fear escalated.I prayed all the time and trusted him to God’s grace.
    After about a year, he contacted us and said that he’d had enough. He was 19 yrs old. He had managed to continue his high school gr12 and worked part-time to maintain his chaos. Then he was done. God did such a work.
    I know the fear of not knowing where or what our kids are doing. I also know that if we spend time realizing God’s love for us and our kids….there is a “rest” in trusting Him.
    Jon convocated from Social Work last year and married a beautiful girl I love so much. He goes to AA faithfully and shares so much. He is truly a work in progress.As are we all.
    So Michelle, I know the nightmare of two kids falling into the devil’s grasp. Do Not spend time is self condemnation. That way the devil wins twice.He gets us tied up in our children’s sin.Realize how much God loves you…and your children -no matter what. He took all that condemnation and sin on on that Cross so we would be free. So we could have Himself walking within us. So we can share that love-just the way we are doing.What a blessing.
    We will get the devil charging us with fear, condemnation,recrimination and all sorts of lies about us and the people we love. IT IS A TRICK! To get our eyes on the tormentor instead of our Savior and His tremendous power,love and grace.
    Read Isiah 49 vs8-16-what love of our God! Especially vs 16. “Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands, thy walls are continually before me” Again, the tenderness of God’s Love.
    Well, I’ve done it again-the Holy Spirit just takes off on these keys.We all walk together in this journey. We all pray for each other truly knowing the pain. But with pain comes growth in Christ Jesus. And that is what we’re all about.
    Thankyou all so much for prayers and understanding. It is returned. ………..Love Patti

  14. My son just came out this past Monday. I am devastated! I haven’t left the house for a week. I’m unable to eat, sleep or even take care of my youngest child. I have never felt such pain in my life. My mind is consumed with all of this. I don’t know where to turn…Right now I’m not liking God very much. I just can’t find the strength to get through this.

    • Linwood. I totally understand, many of us do but hang on. I blogged earlier that my son was coming for holiday dinners but he just emailed me and basically told me he no longer has a mother who loves him and that unless his friend can come he would not be here. I am now considering cancelling dinner because the pain is so great! Although the pain you are feeling will decrease and you will find a way to cope be aware that as long as satan is tormenting our children he will torment us too. This is his job BUT He that is within us is greater than he that is in the world! I hold to this even when my heart is breaking. Remember God is our refuge and our strength! Blessings to you.

  15. Linwood
    Our daughter emailed me in 2007 that she was a lesbian and was in same sex relationship. My husband and I were devastated. We did go to counseling with a Pastor we knew and felt comfortable in talking. He helped us tremendously. I would recommend talking to a Christian counselor or a Pastor. Also, read your Bible. Scripture is so helpful and attacks the enemy. Continue to blog on this website. Other parents are so helpful and we are going through this together. God is good and trust God to help you through this. We need to pray for our children daily. Do not blame yourself although I did. We need to love our kids unconditionally. Pray daily asking God to give you strength and courage. As Janet states in her book, we must pray, communicate and love. My prayers are with you & your son. I know how you feel and the other parents understand also.

  16. Linwood
    Go to Janet Boynes Ministries. Click on “contact” and email Janet. The link is provided. Share your story with her. Janet is an awesome Christian, caring woman and she understands having lived this lifestyle. We are all together going through this journey.

  17. Linwood
    Here are some scriptures to read each day & quote them daily also.
    Psalm 31:24
    So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord.
    1 Peter 5:10
    In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by mean of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.
    Psalm 141:1
    O Lord, I am calling to you. Please hurry. Listen when I cry to you for help.
    Proverbs 3:5-6
    Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.
    My prayers are with you & your son. Take one day at a time. God is planting seeds. Trust God and His timing and His will.

  18. Dear Linwood,
    I think Judy has covered it all. You will get through this. You will feel joy again. You will eat again and leave the house. You will sleep again. It’s OKAY that you shake a fist at God. He understands. Shaking a fist shows great belief in Him.You don’t get mad at HIM if you don’t believe in HIM!! In His love and great understanding I believe that He rejoices in that fact.HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU or FORSAKE YOU.
    Each of us parents have felt exactly what you are feeling. We know that devastation and pain. Judy has given you some excellent tools to begin your journey. Ask the Lord to lead you to a pastor and a Christian councellor. Share and listen. Discern in the Spirit.If anyone talks to you without the language of love-our Father’s love-it is not in Him. Reaching out on this blog shows you are already being led.Read Janet’s book.
    It is the love for your child that is creating the hurt in you. Continue to love that child unconditionally. This is his journey. Affirm that love for him. That doesn’t mean you have to affirm his choice of lifestyle. Our children hurt tremendously too, in this lifestyle. Pray for HIS wisdom and love in this. He’ll lead you. Take a deep breath and listen to the HOLY SPIRIT whispering His love and grace for you and your family, ever so gently.
    Read the other parent’s blogs. Read hope filled scripture.We are all travelling this path. It is a challenge to say the least. The devil is the ultimate liar. And a trickster. But he will NOT overcome because greater is HE within us than he that is in the world.
    Whenever you are challenged by “that great liar”, try this. Ask the Lord for a scripture that speaks His love and hope and when challenged speak the scripture in your head and out loud. Then I envision the Lord sitting beside me with His compassionate nature and love and understanding in His eyes as I lay my head on His shoulder and tell Him everything I am feeling. Let the Holy Spirit’s Love for you envelope you. He is your best caring and understanding friend.God loves you my friend.Abundantly and thoroughly. Especially when we aren’t that loveable.The spirit of lies will run for the hills. That isn’t what he wants you to do.He wants you to obsess in the lie.
    We are all praying for your leading andyour family. I can safely speak for everyone on this blog when i say that you are safe here and that we mean what we say and say what we mean. Nothing you could share would blow our minds. We have some experience at varying levels in this journey.We do care…………alot. And so does our Father.
    Love in Christ ………….Patti

  19. I want to thank all of you for the encouraging posts. My son is home now for the Holiday and his father and I (we are divorced) just had a long talk with him. My heart just aches for the pain that he is feeling. He too is so angry with God because he does not want this for himself. And as a result he hates and despises himself. Although he hasn’t had a homosexual (or otherwise) encounter as of yet, that is where his desire lies. I just don’t know what to do. The depression gets worse everyday and I’m trying to stay strong but I just don’t know how to help him- not even sure I have the strength! Right now I just want to close my eyes and not wake up to this nightmare anymore- it just hurts to much….

    • Linwood,

      Praise God that your son is home with you and the lines of communication are open. Please consider having Janet Boynes speak with him. She understands the struggle he is experiencing and will reach out to him in love.

      Our prayers continue for you.

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: